Pied Piper of Brighton | Too good not to share

31 07 2010

An elderly guy walked into a curio/antique shop in Brighton.  After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.  He took it to the counter and asked: ‘How much is this bronze rat?’

The owner replied: ‘It’s £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.’

The man gave the owner the £12 and said: ‘I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.’

With the bronze under his arm, he walked off down the street, but it wasn’t long before he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and had begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks those first few rats now numbered hundreds, all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. Naturally, he increased his pace, until at last he was running towards the beach, with millions of rats in pursuit. Onto the pier he fled, the rats hard upon his heels. At the pier’s end, with nowhere left to run, he pitched the bronze rat into the sea. To his great

relief, the rats followed their bronze effigy into the briney, where all drowned

The man retraced his route back to the shop.

‘Ah, so you’ve come back for the story?’ said the owner.

‘No,’ said the man, ‘I came back to see if you do a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, an illegal immigrant, or even a politician?’

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Nude Camp | Ouch

30 07 2010

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, ‘did you call for me?’

The man a trifle embarrassed, replied, ‘Er no.’

She said, ‘then you must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if  you get an erection, it implies you called for me’ Smiling, she lead him to the

side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way.

A great start to any day, he thought, and off he toddled to explore the colony’s other facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Seconds later, a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him, ‘did you call for me?’ asked the hairy man.

‘Er no,’ said the newcomer.

‘Then you must be new.’ answered the hairy man, ‘It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony’s administration office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she asked.

‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replied, ‘you’ve only been here a few hours. You haven’t had a chance to see all our facilities.’

‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here.’





Young Dreams | Shattered by reality

20 07 2010

I recently asked my mate’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up… She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both of her parents, Lib Dems, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and council houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride.

“Wow…what a worthy goal.” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you are Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you 50 pounds… Then I’ll take you over to Asda where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the 50 to use toward food and a new
house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,  “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the 50 pounds?”

I said, “Welcome to the Tories.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me..





Nigerian Finances | A little late but nonetheless

19 07 2010

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund  all  the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa .

He said he just  needs their bank details and PIN numbers to complete the transaction….

Will return one day to the seriousness of the world but at the moment, lot of real life shenanigans to be dealing with.





Irish Luck | Cheer’d me up

1 07 2010

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men…are men.