Labour | What a frikking joke they are

1 09 2010

A double dose of stupidity comes courtesy of the Daily Mirror group’s pathetic interview with the Labour leader candidates.  This reminds me of a primary school project I did 19 years ago when my class was given the task of ‘writing’ for the local newspaper.  Actually, the questions we sent the then Prime Minister John Major was ten times better than James Lyons’ attempt at ‘news’ gathering, as it at least attempted to find out the man behind the power.

Honestly, the following report should have been made for CBBC’s Newsround ffs, it’s so juvenile.

Labour leadership candidates’ secret lives:  Stolen kisses, tattoos and super powers

Q1:  If your life were made into a movie, what would be the title?

Andy Burnham: The Outsider

David Miliband: Die Hard (Labour)

Diane Abbott: Great Expectations

Ed Miliband: If it were left to you, probably Cain and Abel but I prefer Field of Dreams

Ed Balls: It would be a remake of Great Balls of Fire

Q2:  Tell us a secret, please

Ab: My wife was on blind date (while she was going out with me) and went out with someone who ended up working for the Tories

Dm: I have the Labour Party rose tattooed at the base of my back

Da: If I told you a secret it wouldn’t be a secret any more

Em: I’ve got an encyclopaedic knowledge of the Boston Red Sox

Eb: My guilty karaoke pleasure is Endless Love. I do Diana Ross

Q3:  What’s the worst lie you’ve told?

Ab: Of course we can win the league (to my son every year)

Dm: I once told Mirror readers that I have the Labour Party rose tattooed at the base of my back

Da: I try not to tell lies. As Tony Blair discovered, the truth always comes out in the end

Em: This probably isn’t the worst but a bad one recently was denying to Justine my partner I’d been feeding Daniel, who is only 14 months, with ice cream

Eb: Hello, I’m Father Christmas

Q4:  Tell us a joke

Ab: What’s the fastest cake in the world? Scone

Dm: Nick Clegg

Da: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side

Em: Uma Thurman told this one in Pulp Fiction: Three tomatoes are walking down the street, Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind. Papa Tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him. Says, “Ketchup!”

Q5:  Would you sleep with anyone for a million pounds?

Ab: No

Dm: Of course – my wife Louise (though I don’t have to pay her)

Da: No

Em: Only Justine. No one else comes close

Eb: Certainly not with Robert Redford

Q6:  Describe the ConDems in three words

Ab: A Tory government.

Dm: Bad for Britain

Da: Bad. For. Britain

Em: In my sights

Eb: Heartless and wrongheaded

Q7:  Last CD you bought?

Ab: The Places Between: Best of Doves

Dm: My wife Louise is a professional musician so chooses the music

Da: A Michael Jackson compilation when I heard he’d died

Em: I haven’t bought any music for ages but I’m a big fan of the band Hard-Fi.

Eb: A compilation called 100 Songs To Do Housework To. I recommend it (the CD, not the housework)

Q8:  Who shot JR?

Ab: Kirstin Shepard

Dm: Wasn’t it all just a dream?

Da: I think it was Sue Ellen, his wife

Em: Kristin of course

Eb: I am just hoping Bobby comes out of the shower again and it never happened and Dallas is back on TV

Q9:  Favourite TV show?

Ab: The Royle Family

Dm: It used to be Friday Night with Jonathan Ross

Da: The West Wing

Em: Desperate Housewives.

Eb: X Factor and Strictly on a Saturday night, thanks to Sky Plus

Q10:  What would be your last supper?

Ab: A plate of scouse

Dm: Fish and chips from Coleman’s in South Shields

Da: Chicken, rice and peas

Em: Chinese, just like Cliff Barnes in Dallas

Eb: I do the cooking at home but Yvette is persuaded to make her risotto on special occasions

Q11:  What’s your greatest extravagance?

Ab: A good summer holiday for the kids to make up for my time spent away from home

Dm: Family holidays

Da: Books

Em: Spoiling my son Daniel

Eb: My drum kit

Q12:  How much does a pint of milk, a loaf of bread and a tin of baked beans add up to?

AB: £1.93

Dm: About £1.90

Da: Around £2

Em: I reckon 45p, about 80p and about 60p – so £1.85? Depends on whether you go for fancy bread or not.

Eb: At Asda, Castleford, where I do the weekly shop, it’s about £2

Q13:  Which four people, real or fictional, would you most like to go down the pub with?

Ab: Dixie Dean, Nye Bevan, Tony Soprano and Cheryl Cole

Dm: Four of my friends to relax and have fun

Da: The panellists on BBC Radio 4’s Gardeners’ Question Time because I’d be able to ask them everything I’ve ever wanted to know about my home garden

Em: Rachel Weisz, Bobby Kennedy, Alex Higgins and my brother

Eb: Elvis, Holly Golightly, Peter Kay, Yvette

Q14:  What would you do if you weren’t an MP?

Ab: A journalist or teaching, like my brothers

Dm: A teacher

Da: Be a novelist

Em: An actor – but I don’t think I have the talent

Eb: Take weekends off

Q15:  What car do you drive?

Ab: T reg Golf

Dm: Elderly Toyota Corolla Verso

Da: I don’t drive

Em: Ford Focus

Eb: Ford Mondeo estate

Q16:  Who was your first kiss with – and where?

Ab: Family holiday in Silverdale in 1981. Better not say her name as her kids go to karate with mine

Dm: A gent should never kiss and tell

Da: I was living in Harrow at the time and sadly I cannot remember his name

Em: Not telling

Eb: A girl called Dawn in her grandma’s garden

Q17:  What do your enemies call you?

Ab: Bitter Blue

Dm: The front-runner

Da: Since I decided to run for the leadership they’ve been completely speechless

Em: You’d have to ask them

Eb: Mr Balls (or variants on that theme)

Q18:  What is your biggest fault?

Ab: I’m afraid I’m well known as the late Mr Burnham

Dm: Cutting timings too tight and missing trains

Da: Too truthful

Em: I’m too demanding of myself and others around me

Eb: Always late

Q19:  What would be your super power?

Ab: Becoming invisible. Very handy in politics as well as at home when the jobs need doing

Dm: Travelling at the speed of light so I can be home quicker and have a lot more time with my family

Da: The ability to see through walls

Em: To extend or stretch time. There is never enough of it

Eb: To be in two places at once like Doctor Manhattan

Q20:  Most embarrassing moment?

Ab: When my pitch-invading past was revealed

Dm: Going to a meeting at the UN with a woman called Angelina Jolie and not realising until I got there it was the Angelina Jolie. It then dawned on me why every man in the office wanted to come as well

Da: When my wig came off in a crowded Tube train

Em: It has to be turning up at my school disco in my parents’ car, in ridiculous clothes

Eb: At my first big speech to a City dinner when a group of bankers thought I was the waiter and asked me to fetch the chef for them

Q21:  If you were a prizefighter, what would be your performing name?

Ab: Bash’em Burnham

Dm: David “Red Menace” Miliband

Da: If I was a prizefighter I would be Rocky. They counted him out but he went on to win. He was the people’s champion

Em: I’d like to think it would be the Changemaker

Eb: The Morley & Outwood Mauler

Q22:  If you could be a fly on a wall, whose wall?

Ab: England dressing room after the Algeria game

Dm: Arsenal’s dressing room for a Wenger pre-match pep talk

Da: Hollywood actor Denzel Washington

Em: The Oval Office of the White House when JFK was President.

Eb: Gordon Ramsay’s kitchen. Does he swear at himself?

Q23:  Biggest regret?

Ab: Getting on that rope swing with Ed Balls

Dm: Taking that banana for a walk instead of eating it

Da: That I never learnt to play the piano

Em: Not spending more time with my family

Eb: I had a trial for Wolves when I was 10 – but I didn’t score and didn’t make the cut

Are these suppose to be the best and brightest of the Labour Party?  If so, I’m pissing myself laughing!  As for the Mirror, a prime example of a waste of a paper.




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